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<title>What Does Being 'Yourself' Even Mean? by hollowsbest</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27912064">What Does Being 'Yourself' Even Mean?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollowsbest/pseuds/hollowsbest'>hollowsbest</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Consequences [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work, The Weathervane Journal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(she won't go because she's STUPID), Character Study, Coping with trauma, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jasper needs therapy, POV Second Person, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:02:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27912064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollowsbest/pseuds/hollowsbest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing herself to the Open Maw and finding herself again thanks to her friends, Jasper tries to come to terms with how she's changed. For better or worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jasper Heaton/India Akrett, Original Female Character/Original Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Consequences [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043850</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Does Being 'Yourself' Even Mean?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>second ficlet! jasper's got guilt issues to the fuckin stratosphere !!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s a callousness in you now where there wasn’t before, you're far more harsh than your memories say you used to be. You’re chipping at it, day by day, forcing the return back to yourself. Or, as much as ‘yourself’ can be now.</p>
<p>You made that decision back on that stage, as you watched your colleagues, <em>friends</em>, decide so very strongly that Adrien did not have to die. You made the choice to be <em>you</em>, for them. Yet as easy as the choice had seemed, the effort required to force yourself to <em>be</em> yourself, was far less so.</p>
<p>The choice to spare Harry was a choice you didn’t make lightly, yet you felt somewhat lighter making it. You’d wanted to kill him. You’d wanted to rip him to utter shreds for what he’d done to your home, and to India.<br/>The end to the horrors was a balm to your shattered sense of self, as was the community that practically dragged you into it fully.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it <em>does</em> feel like you’re playing a game of pretend. As you force yourself to listen, as you wrap yourself within your lover’s arms. Her love feeling scalding, you’re undeserving. You know she blames herself for what was your own hand. You brought this upon yourself, you should’ve <em><strong>listened</strong></em>.</p>
<p>You give so many second chances to everyone but yourself. You’re not worthy of it. The harm you’ve caused is the kind you can’t come back from. The people who entered your domain, their aspirations that you mocked… How do you repent for such a horrific thing? How do you repair the <em>terrors</em> you wrought intentionally upon their lives? Making them little more but slaves?</p>
<p>You can’t.<br/>You can’t fix it. All you can do is make so deeply, so absolutely <em>certain</em> that they never happen again. Stop as many deaths as you can, try and equal out what you’ve done.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’ll never be equal.</em>
</p>
<p>You burned the suit. It doesn’t stop the feeling of being out of place within your own skin. <br/>You consider cutting your hair. But bleach it instead and never wear it down. It doesn’t help.<br/>You wear the ring as much as possible. Human hands and skin help a little. Until it doesn’t.<br/>You stare at the gold on your hands and consider tearing it from your flesh. Cutting until there’s only scales of black or red left. India confiscates the knives. She missed one.</p>
<p>You’ve been given time to recuperate. You don’t want it. You want to throw yourself out there and forget the horrors you’ve caused and created.<br/>Instead you dive deep back into the magic that goes into the rings, your head full of equations and ritual circles instead of the taste of a soul. It’s a bandaid for an open wound.</p>
<p>There’s an itch that doesn’t go away. The urge to smile, beckon someone close and whisper of how they could have all their wildest imaginings, all for an easy to pay price.<br/>You squash it. You force it deep within yourself where it will never see the light of day.<br/>You <em><strong>refuse</strong></em>.</p>
<p>You feel as if there’s a disconnect between you, and everyone else. How could they understand the incomprehensible nature of having your self eaten whole? How could they understand the crushing guilt and unending regret?<br/>You would think that Adrien perhaps could, but you don’t know if he even <em>feels</em> guilty.<br/>Heather… You’re too full of shame to even consider it.</p>
<p>You’re surrounded by people, but that won’t stop the loneliness.</p>
<p>You were excited once, to lose your humanity and be something <em>else</em>. To gain horns and claws and <em>teeth</em>. Now, you want to revert your choice. Undo the deals you’ve made and the paths you’ve taken. It will never happen.<br/>You have to live with the choices you’ve made. No matter how horrible.<br/>Though you wonder sometimes, what would have happened if you’d taken an earlier offer? Lost your humanity in a different way, yet kept your soul?<br/>The ways this tragedy could’ve been averted keep you up at night.</p>
<p>The guilt eats at you. You should’ve been better. <em><strong>You</strong></em> <em><strong>should’ve been better.</strong></em></p>
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